Tell me a story.....
Jan. 22nd, 2001 01:57 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tiamatladyI have two friends who are dating. Things were better than OK for a while. She has a wee problem - intense need for attention. Since she's cute, her way of getting attention consists of intense flirting. Now when boyfriend was around, she flirted with him. Then he started getting, well, a little pissy. It happens. Started to refuse to go out. But hey, that shouldn't stop her. She goes out, he's home when she gets back, it was all good so far. But, it's when she starts meeting new people that things change. These new people take her intense flirting for "She wants me" when in reality she craves the attention. I don't think she's aware of it, or at least she wasn't aware of it. But boyfriend is. Especially since the new males make it very clear to him just what they think of him, that he is a rather insignificant obstacle to cute chick score. Being trapped in this particular situation is rather distateful, and, unfortunately for me, not a new sensation. It's happened before. I can see boyfriend's POV rather clearly, but I don't want to walk up to the girl and say "Baby, you're acting like a slut." I couldn't think of how to tell her the problem without hurting her or appearing jealous. Especially since her intense flirting cost ME some of my flirtations, since I tend to write off a guy once he drops me on my head for the cute chick who has no interest in him, but is MUCH cuter than I, men being pigs and all. So I put it on the back burner, hoping for a solution before it was too late.
Boyfriend finds something he shouldn't have. pretty much proof of GF cheating on him. I'm still surprised at how much offense was taken in him "prying" into her personal items, since he was left alone with FULL permission, AND all her passwords to poke about as he saw fit. If he had been hunting for something, maybe I'd agree, but he wasn't, he saw no need to mistrust her at that point. He'd already had several converstaions with her on the subject, OK fights. And, it explained some odd behaviors by someone I considered a friend to me. So he dumps her. Rightfully so.
I witnessed the most disgusting thing after that. Her abject groeveling to get him back. I mean, it made me ill. It was in full view of everyone at Ceremony. And to be honest, he was acting like a real dick, and she was begging, pleading for him to come back that she'd do anything. The involvement of the third party didn't help matters, when it was no concern of theirs to begin with. But, things have progressed, and the couple are "working" on it, with her subject ot his "rules" of behavior. Of which I think are stupid, since I'm SURE she only follows them when he is around.
Here's my problem. I empathize with my male friend, but I think he's acting very stupid. She is obviously incapable of changing or she would have, once her behavior was pointed out. No only did she not change, but she leaped ahead with some very bad moves. All becuase she wasn't getting the attention she thought she needed. The very sight of her makes me sick. I can't stop picturing her groveling at his feet. Nor can I ignore the fact that she thinks the problem is MINE. That she doesn't act this way and it's my insecurity is the problem (remember earlier? When I hesitated becuase I thought it would look like I was jealous, I have the label ANYWAY) She pouts when I am around, and worse, she is causing problems with the bf. She stands quietly and acts hurt and lets my temper do the work. But whenever I do confront her, or intend to, somehow BF gets involved and instead of argueing with HER I argue with HIM. She's going to cost me my friend and I resent it. A Lot. All becuase she HAS to have all the attention in the room. It's not getting better. And now she's a martyr too becuase I'm so mad at her for no reason. I have no relationhip with her, I'm losing the other half or the friendship with HIM, AND I'm losing other friends, either because I'm mad at her or defending him. Third party has refused to speak to me since this happened, becuase she told him I "sided" with the BF. He didn't ask, nor gave me an opportunity, he just wrote me off. On an aside, he wonders why people treat him the way they do, when he acts like that. Anyway. She once said to BF that we'd see just who I sided with in a fight, because she seems to think I don't see the underneath of the sweet and innocent facade. What she doesn't realize is that for all that he can be a dickhead, bf is one of my closest and dearest, and she hurt him, she allowed him to be hurt by others, and she uses him. He has always listened to me and tried to be of comfort. With her I have to compete for attention, and everything I've ever told her has either become public knowledge or been used against me, or to hurt me directly. If I didn't know better I'd swear she did things just so I couldn't. And it's not just me. I've seen her do this to others. I still think she's not aware of it, that it's second nature. But I don't think I have to coddle that nor tolerate it.
I know how this will end. I'm asked to choose between friends, because one thinks the other "sucks" I end up refusing to choose, becuase I do not think they suck, and I end up losing completely. There is only one person I side with always, and even that has me a rep I didn't earn from people too stupid to see the truth, who continue to glare at me for things I didn't do, just for the company I keep. And they can just go straight to hell. But I do see how this situation will end, with me losing the person I truly consider a friend, with a massive fight started by me, because I just can't sit back and watch it happen. Becuase I will not let some needy chick tell lies and pout. Am I wrong? I don't know. All I know is what will happen. And that I don't think I can stop it.
So, do I go back on my own feelings and beliefs and "make nice" to a girl I find morally offensive, to save the relationship with the BF? Can I continue a friendship with him with a huge resentment towards the woman he claims to love? Or maybe I should give up and stay out of it, and away from him, which I think would do HIM a disservice? Or do I wait for him to say "You know what, you suck, I can't stand how you hate my GF." becuase I can't hide my resentment/anger?
Boyfriend finds something he shouldn't have. pretty much proof of GF cheating on him. I'm still surprised at how much offense was taken in him "prying" into her personal items, since he was left alone with FULL permission, AND all her passwords to poke about as he saw fit. If he had been hunting for something, maybe I'd agree, but he wasn't, he saw no need to mistrust her at that point. He'd already had several converstaions with her on the subject, OK fights. And, it explained some odd behaviors by someone I considered a friend to me. So he dumps her. Rightfully so.
I witnessed the most disgusting thing after that. Her abject groeveling to get him back. I mean, it made me ill. It was in full view of everyone at Ceremony. And to be honest, he was acting like a real dick, and she was begging, pleading for him to come back that she'd do anything. The involvement of the third party didn't help matters, when it was no concern of theirs to begin with. But, things have progressed, and the couple are "working" on it, with her subject ot his "rules" of behavior. Of which I think are stupid, since I'm SURE she only follows them when he is around.
Here's my problem. I empathize with my male friend, but I think he's acting very stupid. She is obviously incapable of changing or she would have, once her behavior was pointed out. No only did she not change, but she leaped ahead with some very bad moves. All becuase she wasn't getting the attention she thought she needed. The very sight of her makes me sick. I can't stop picturing her groveling at his feet. Nor can I ignore the fact that she thinks the problem is MINE. That she doesn't act this way and it's my insecurity is the problem (remember earlier? When I hesitated becuase I thought it would look like I was jealous, I have the label ANYWAY) She pouts when I am around, and worse, she is causing problems with the bf. She stands quietly and acts hurt and lets my temper do the work. But whenever I do confront her, or intend to, somehow BF gets involved and instead of argueing with HER I argue with HIM. She's going to cost me my friend and I resent it. A Lot. All becuase she HAS to have all the attention in the room. It's not getting better. And now she's a martyr too becuase I'm so mad at her for no reason. I have no relationhip with her, I'm losing the other half or the friendship with HIM, AND I'm losing other friends, either because I'm mad at her or defending him. Third party has refused to speak to me since this happened, becuase she told him I "sided" with the BF. He didn't ask, nor gave me an opportunity, he just wrote me off. On an aside, he wonders why people treat him the way they do, when he acts like that. Anyway. She once said to BF that we'd see just who I sided with in a fight, because she seems to think I don't see the underneath of the sweet and innocent facade. What she doesn't realize is that for all that he can be a dickhead, bf is one of my closest and dearest, and she hurt him, she allowed him to be hurt by others, and she uses him. He has always listened to me and tried to be of comfort. With her I have to compete for attention, and everything I've ever told her has either become public knowledge or been used against me, or to hurt me directly. If I didn't know better I'd swear she did things just so I couldn't. And it's not just me. I've seen her do this to others. I still think she's not aware of it, that it's second nature. But I don't think I have to coddle that nor tolerate it.
I know how this will end. I'm asked to choose between friends, because one thinks the other "sucks" I end up refusing to choose, becuase I do not think they suck, and I end up losing completely. There is only one person I side with always, and even that has me a rep I didn't earn from people too stupid to see the truth, who continue to glare at me for things I didn't do, just for the company I keep. And they can just go straight to hell. But I do see how this situation will end, with me losing the person I truly consider a friend, with a massive fight started by me, because I just can't sit back and watch it happen. Becuase I will not let some needy chick tell lies and pout. Am I wrong? I don't know. All I know is what will happen. And that I don't think I can stop it.
So, do I go back on my own feelings and beliefs and "make nice" to a girl I find morally offensive, to save the relationship with the BF? Can I continue a friendship with him with a huge resentment towards the woman he claims to love? Or maybe I should give up and stay out of it, and away from him, which I think would do HIM a disservice? Or do I wait for him to say "You know what, you suck, I can't stand how you hate my GF." becuase I can't hide my resentment/anger?
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no subject
Date: 2001-01-22 04:11 am (UTC)I know the decision you have is hard, but think about what could be lost here. Obviously I know who you are talking about, and obviously I know how much you care about him. Maybe you should talk to her, ask her why she does what she does, etc etc.
I mean, I'm not even dating her, but she's a good friend of mine and someone I care very much about, as i do you, and when you tear her up to me it hurts.
I know you care about him, and you don't want to see him hurt, but hun, you can't live his life for him. He has to make his own mistakes and learn from them. And if you are his friend, you just have to be there and watch the trainwreck. If you get too involved, I imagine he will come to resent you, because I doubt he's going to view it as caring, but rather getting too involved in *his* life.
That's what happened with said friend and I, and we lost eachother. She said alot of things she shouldn't have said. I felt like she betrayed me. And we both got really hurt. I'd really hate to see that happen to you, because I know how much it sucks.
I guess what I'm suggesting is to just put your personal gripes w/ her aside, as hard as it will be, and just be a friend to him. because if you try to get too involved it's going to appear as you said, and people will think you are just being catty.
The issue here is your friendship with him, and if you want to save it, just be rational. *hugs* I will see you tonight at the club I hope.
*morehugs*
no subject
Date: 2001-01-22 05:33 am (UTC)I really believe that things will work out as they are supposed to if given time (sometimes, it just takes a VERY long time). Unhappy and dishonest relationships will break on their own volition, wether close friends interfere or not. And its the close friends that will still be there when the smoke clears.
I think he knows you care for him and are concerned. I don't think you should have to "play nice" - be yourself, there is no reason that you have to be her best friend (he's got his live with her, and his own life without her that you can be a part of). Just don't let her get to you - don't give it the emotional energy or time (you have better things to do)
And remember that for some people - the only reason they learn they are being dumb is to get burned!
*Hugs*
one part of input
Date: 2001-01-22 09:42 am (UTC)i can relate to that idea very easily, as i have access to lots of email. since there are so many people that use my server for email, i could spy on all sorts of things. but i wouldn't, because that shows a complete and total lack of respect for someone's personal space / property / etc.
just because person A had the ability to read person B's mail, doesn't mean that it was right, or ok.
it would be like me digging through dancer's mail - i *could* but that doesn't mean i *should*
just my half penny.