Epiphany

[tiamatlady]

I knew it was right to go out. I knew it would be a mistake to stay home.

Maybe it was the booze, maybe it was the time to think on both drives, or sitting there listening to slowly crappier music. But somewhere, on that stool, at Club Hell, something snapped. I was thinking about "Why didn't I do this before" It's been a YEAR AND A HALF since I've been to Club Hell. WTF?

Where did my life fucking go? I mean, I used to do EVERYTHING, with energy to spare. I could take a day off and lounge and not feel like an asshole. I don't' know what happened, but gothdammit, it's STOPPING NOW.

When did I stop living my life? When did I start just existing, and hiding in a corner? Seriously, I've had it. I know I've said this before but I kept letting things get to me. So WHAT if I disappoint some people? So what if things don't' go smoothly? Can I live with me? right now - hell no!

This is it, I need to remember that I've had enough. I need my life back, I'm going to g out whether I like it or not. I'm going to start working for things, I want to omuch to sit back and fret about how I'm going to do it!
I spent some time talking to Jill, and her boy, and I'm glad I did. She listened and empathized and gave me some ideas. I need to do that more often. I miss my friends, and my phone doesn't fucking ring because I've successfully pushed people away and it needs to stop.

Must email people and call people, and see what's up. I have to stop being afraid, everything will work out.

The lioness has been dormant, but MAN is she back, teeth bared and claws out. I'm wondering where she went in the first place, I've felt off for a while. I think it might have started back at CoatBoy. I deserved and earned all the crap I've been through. Not Anymore.

Part of this catling has already posted but we have the same astrologer, so here's my relevant part.

So if you have felt very out of control, like things are happening and events are taking over without you having any say, you know why. You are doing it to yourself at such a subtle level, you don't realize what you are creating.

Damn straight. It's been all me all along. I'm not blaming myself anymore, and I'm not afraid. Bring it on.

I'm setting my alarms for 8, I'm getting up and showering and making some phone calls to drum up some work. Then, I might go visit a dancer and help her unpack. I'm also going to ask for that loan, no matter how bad it makes me look, so I can pay off her majesty and my bills, and I'm not going to worry about how it makes me look.

But first I'm going to wash my eyes with baby shampoo, although even with caked on makeup they don't itch. Weird. I know how weird this sounds but I have to pamper my eyes!

Comments

[galliana.livejournal.com]

I know how this feels. Take care, hon.

[tiamatlady]

I'm glad it seems ot be over. I don't like being poopy!
*hugs* I'm hoping this means another week of English debauchery......
(But that's in the future, I just have hope now)

[dredpiratebunny.livejournal.com]

ditto.
sometimes you just lose track.
must be the old age! (:3 *poke*
i find myself thinking those thoughts often!

[tiamatlady]

I've just been - crappy - and afraid and that's not like me at all.
I think it was england - we both came back - wrong.
I guess I'd tell you that - go out alone, have a BIG ass drink and think "WTF am I doing here?" it clears everything up.
I'm here for you if you need me.

[tiphareth-star.livejournal.com]

you know, from reading your entries it just seems that the reason you have no energy to spare is that you are working soo hard!!. I would stop taking those tax projects that make you work soo hard. You are still a very young woman and you dont want to burn out soo easily. Also I have not heard about any vacations you took recently. maybe you would have more energy if you went on vacation.

[tiamatlady]

You know, I ranted about work, but it was the fact I had to, as opposed ot the actual level of work. My receipts for tax season show that I did NOT work too much. I just needed some time off, and for things to hit rock bottom, for me to want to change.

Talk to me in six months, if I end up working 50 hours a week with no life. I just need to go and DO, and I haven't been. Must Have New York Expensive Beer! *grins*

[tiphareth-star.livejournal.com]

believe me NYC beers arent worth it!! I would suggest a week off in some like spa place. I know a freidn of mine went to a massage spa fo r two days and the difference in her was amazing

[emarkienna.livejournal.com]

*tight hugs*
hope you'll be okay..

[tiamatlady]

I am OK - I'm glad I went it was needed.
Now I just have to make sure I'm around to talk to you via AIM and my life is complete (PS got two calls today about work. Happy Happy!)
*smootchies*