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tiamatladyNow, I made last night's decision on my own.
But I won't lie and say money wasn't a factor.
I'm TIRED of feeling like other people are running my life. This thing with the trip is just IT. I'd rather be blaming myself for my issues, rather than other people.
So I need to put myself into positions where it IS my fault.
I know I've been selfish for oh, I don't know, about a year or more? I need to do it, HARDER. I'm not going to feel sorry for anyone, I can't. I have to save it for me. It might make me suck even harder, but I have to.
I don't want to skip another thing _I_ want to do, like last night, like Orgy last month, because I have to save money for something SOMEONE ELSE wants (especially someone who is just being pissy on principle. I'm tired of the "disapproving" looks I get from her anyway. I swear, I knew a trip would be the end of our relationship, I didn't know it was going to be because I finally realized how much she just doesn't LIKE me. Not me, but the wrappings, and the choices I've made, and my lifestyle. I'm not happy she's not happy, but I don't know what to do. I really think she resents me.)
Bah. Bah even. I guess we'll have to see.
I'm going to go make a sandwich, if the phone lets me - in a half hour I got three calls from something that hasn't made a peep since last week. I was trying to sleep, thank you!
Bah.
But I won't lie and say money wasn't a factor.
I'm TIRED of feeling like other people are running my life. This thing with the trip is just IT. I'd rather be blaming myself for my issues, rather than other people.
So I need to put myself into positions where it IS my fault.
I know I've been selfish for oh, I don't know, about a year or more? I need to do it, HARDER. I'm not going to feel sorry for anyone, I can't. I have to save it for me. It might make me suck even harder, but I have to.
I don't want to skip another thing _I_ want to do, like last night, like Orgy last month, because I have to save money for something SOMEONE ELSE wants (especially someone who is just being pissy on principle. I'm tired of the "disapproving" looks I get from her anyway. I swear, I knew a trip would be the end of our relationship, I didn't know it was going to be because I finally realized how much she just doesn't LIKE me. Not me, but the wrappings, and the choices I've made, and my lifestyle. I'm not happy she's not happy, but I don't know what to do. I really think she resents me.)
Bah. Bah even. I guess we'll have to see.
I'm going to go make a sandwich, if the phone lets me - in a half hour I got three calls from something that hasn't made a peep since last week. I was trying to sleep, thank you!
Bah.
