Thought process number one
May. 12th, 2003 12:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tiamatladyI've discovered some things, which I knew, yet proceeded to ignore, for too long now.
My mother is directly responsible for some of my habits.
OK, This got long. I'm using a cut. Apologies for anyone PO'd at the length before I cut it.
Now, before I get a slew of responses saying "Tia, you're 30 years old, quit blaming the Unit." let me give you Friday night, in depth. And why it causes me worry.
I did touch on this, but Friday I ended up working super late at the Cape office. ETA home - 10:30PM I was looking forward to it. I had some energy, I wanted to clean, I wanted to cook some dinner. I'm still trying out the feasibility of some items, and I had some bacon that, since I've never cooked bacon before, I wanted to cook up, with some eggs and see how it went. I could do all this super late, since noone else was home. I walk into the apartment to find the place dark, my nephew asleep in the living room and the Unit awake, but in a darkened room. I said, rather testily, "What are you doing here?" which was replied equally as testy, with the ubiquitous "It's MY house you know." attached.
*sigh* Fine, so I tell her I'm making something to eat (bacon) This endeavour proceeds with about 20 mintues of "You're not cooking it right." "It stinks in here now." "Why did you have to get THAT?" and, my personal favorite "You're making a mess *implying that SHE will be scrubbing the floors at 2AM*." All of this, becuase I made bacon at 11PM. OK, not the best of times, but this is exactly my point.
My schedule is diametrically opposed to hers. And since this is "HER" house, I have to follow certain rules. now, mind you, this is the woman who thinks I have no right to go to MR on Wednesdays since my opening the door at 1:30AM "Wakes her up, and I should be MORE considerate." Her translation - I shouldn't go out, if I'm coming home later and disturbing her. MY translation - Stay out until she goes to work. *grins* That doesn't bode well for my working schedule, so, so far I've been dealing with the bitching.
AND it's constant. You think _I'M_ bad, you need to meet her, and piss her off (![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
kazama should remember. I know she was very nice, and took care of the Major and all, but did you hear the constant putdowns? And did you see how my whole attitude changed when she walked in the door?) I do stupid, childish things when I'm treated that way. it's what made my friend Joanne's wedding painful, because ALL of my family and their friends, and Joanne's friends, treated me like a recalcitrant 16 year old, who needs to "grow up." I AM a grown-up, occasional flame wars not withstanding. I need to talk to my aunt, the LAST wedding before Joanne's, because SHE sees me as a mature, confident, expressive woman, and is VERY CONFUSED by how I get treated. I think she might have some insight. But, she hasn't been here all these years. Sure, I earned my rep, but I'm having trouble with some of my family, not even friends or strangers, but the people who are supposed to know me best, not seeing past the rep.
ANYWAY - I came to a realization Friday night, in that, at least ONE of my habits, is directly related to my mother. The junk food/crap food at night habit. If I work late, say 9 or 10, the only options I have to me, for dinner, is cook something when I get home, even make a sandwich or something, or grab dinner on the way home. Since I can't even be IN the kitchen, pretty much after 9:30/10PM, I'm left with option #2, which at that time of night is usually Wendy's. Now, OK, I COULD get out to work earlier, come home earlier. In this case, she's IN the kitchen, where her computer is, OR she FOLLOWS me to the kitchen, to bitch about SOMETHING, anything. I swear (like me) she talks to hear herself talk. I get NO peace, NO quiet, and endless amounts of "You're doing that wrong/You're making a mess."
*sigh*
It sounds like I'm making excuses, and I am, to a point. I DO have a point tho, it's virtually impossible for me to cook anything that resembles a balanced, solid meal in the kitchen. Even when I had the frozen dinners, she hated the smell and said so, loudly. (I'd taken to eating Thai noodle bowls, or Sesame Chicken, or Garlic noodle bowls. Most everyone on my friend's list would say "YUM" but not her.) So, my big diet plan - Gone out the window. there's NO WAY I can follow it, if I can't cook the meals. An alternative is to spend all day Sunday (the only day I'm pretty much guaranteed she won't be there) cleaning, prepping, and cooking at least a week's worth of meals and freezing them for nuking. AND if she decides to stay home, or come home early, or I geta late start, I'm up the creek for a week.
This leads back to "I need my own place" and she keeps TAUNTING me with "You can buy THIS place." When? When Hell freezes over? Don't get my wrong, I LIKE the condo, I don't mind the building, and, stupid chicks who drive like crap with 2 month old babies in the car almost killing me not withstanding, I don't mind most of the crap. I'd have the space as MINE, I wouldn't have to worry about parking, maybe I could afford it on my own, or I could find a roommate. Still, it would be mine, and that's the key. But, WHEN she's going to do this, no timetable at ALL. I could save up and have her do her six month turnaround of "YOU'RE never getting this place!" I could move out and have her sell it the instant I move, leaving me in an apartment when I could have saved the moving expenses and had a condo that was MINE. She doesn't realize I can't LIVE like this, not for too much longer. But, I feel trapped, by my own financial problems, which don't look to improve if I don't do something, fast. I feel trapped in my room, which is so cluttered and sometimes dusty that I can't stand it, and not to mention how HOT it is int he summer. On top of the lack of room to manouver, so I COULD clean things out. *sigh* I've decided to just stop bitching and start getting rid of things. I'll just start in my room, and move accordingly. I'll buy a couple of storage tubs a week, I can afford $10 to get two, and start sorting what's in the room, and start cataloging my books to either keep or sell. I need a couple more regular office boxes to clean off my bookcases to move them around. Maybe I'll move my bed, who knows.
Of course - finding the TIME to do any of this may have me off my rocker. To which I'll have to listen to a long winded diatribe, I'm sure. I'm overwhelmed.
Anyone want to take me in for a night, rub my head and promise me it'll get better?
My mother is directly responsible for some of my habits.
OK, This got long. I'm using a cut. Apologies for anyone PO'd at the length before I cut it.
Now, before I get a slew of responses saying "Tia, you're 30 years old, quit blaming the Unit." let me give you Friday night, in depth. And why it causes me worry.
I did touch on this, but Friday I ended up working super late at the Cape office. ETA home - 10:30PM I was looking forward to it. I had some energy, I wanted to clean, I wanted to cook some dinner. I'm still trying out the feasibility of some items, and I had some bacon that, since I've never cooked bacon before, I wanted to cook up, with some eggs and see how it went. I could do all this super late, since noone else was home. I walk into the apartment to find the place dark, my nephew asleep in the living room and the Unit awake, but in a darkened room. I said, rather testily, "What are you doing here?" which was replied equally as testy, with the ubiquitous "It's MY house you know." attached.
*sigh* Fine, so I tell her I'm making something to eat (bacon) This endeavour proceeds with about 20 mintues of "You're not cooking it right." "It stinks in here now." "Why did you have to get THAT?" and, my personal favorite "You're making a mess *implying that SHE will be scrubbing the floors at 2AM*." All of this, becuase I made bacon at 11PM. OK, not the best of times, but this is exactly my point.
My schedule is diametrically opposed to hers. And since this is "HER" house, I have to follow certain rules. now, mind you, this is the woman who thinks I have no right to go to MR on Wednesdays since my opening the door at 1:30AM "Wakes her up, and I should be MORE considerate." Her translation - I shouldn't go out, if I'm coming home later and disturbing her. MY translation - Stay out until she goes to work. *grins* That doesn't bode well for my working schedule, so, so far I've been dealing with the bitching.
AND it's constant. You think _I'M_ bad, you need to meet her, and piss her off (
kazama should remember. I know she was very nice, and took care of the Major and all, but did you hear the constant putdowns? And did you see how my whole attitude changed when she walked in the door?) I do stupid, childish things when I'm treated that way. it's what made my friend Joanne's wedding painful, because ALL of my family and their friends, and Joanne's friends, treated me like a recalcitrant 16 year old, who needs to "grow up." I AM a grown-up, occasional flame wars not withstanding. I need to talk to my aunt, the LAST wedding before Joanne's, because SHE sees me as a mature, confident, expressive woman, and is VERY CONFUSED by how I get treated. I think she might have some insight. But, she hasn't been here all these years. Sure, I earned my rep, but I'm having trouble with some of my family, not even friends or strangers, but the people who are supposed to know me best, not seeing past the rep.ANYWAY - I came to a realization Friday night, in that, at least ONE of my habits, is directly related to my mother. The junk food/crap food at night habit. If I work late, say 9 or 10, the only options I have to me, for dinner, is cook something when I get home, even make a sandwich or something, or grab dinner on the way home. Since I can't even be IN the kitchen, pretty much after 9:30/10PM, I'm left with option #2, which at that time of night is usually Wendy's. Now, OK, I COULD get out to work earlier, come home earlier. In this case, she's IN the kitchen, where her computer is, OR she FOLLOWS me to the kitchen, to bitch about SOMETHING, anything. I swear (like me) she talks to hear herself talk. I get NO peace, NO quiet, and endless amounts of "You're doing that wrong/You're making a mess."
*sigh*
It sounds like I'm making excuses, and I am, to a point. I DO have a point tho, it's virtually impossible for me to cook anything that resembles a balanced, solid meal in the kitchen. Even when I had the frozen dinners, she hated the smell and said so, loudly. (I'd taken to eating Thai noodle bowls, or Sesame Chicken, or Garlic noodle bowls. Most everyone on my friend's list would say "YUM" but not her.) So, my big diet plan - Gone out the window. there's NO WAY I can follow it, if I can't cook the meals. An alternative is to spend all day Sunday (the only day I'm pretty much guaranteed she won't be there) cleaning, prepping, and cooking at least a week's worth of meals and freezing them for nuking. AND if she decides to stay home, or come home early, or I geta late start, I'm up the creek for a week.
This leads back to "I need my own place" and she keeps TAUNTING me with "You can buy THIS place." When? When Hell freezes over? Don't get my wrong, I LIKE the condo, I don't mind the building, and, stupid chicks who drive like crap with 2 month old babies in the car almost killing me not withstanding, I don't mind most of the crap. I'd have the space as MINE, I wouldn't have to worry about parking, maybe I could afford it on my own, or I could find a roommate. Still, it would be mine, and that's the key. But, WHEN she's going to do this, no timetable at ALL. I could save up and have her do her six month turnaround of "YOU'RE never getting this place!" I could move out and have her sell it the instant I move, leaving me in an apartment when I could have saved the moving expenses and had a condo that was MINE. She doesn't realize I can't LIVE like this, not for too much longer. But, I feel trapped, by my own financial problems, which don't look to improve if I don't do something, fast. I feel trapped in my room, which is so cluttered and sometimes dusty that I can't stand it, and not to mention how HOT it is int he summer. On top of the lack of room to manouver, so I COULD clean things out. *sigh* I've decided to just stop bitching and start getting rid of things. I'll just start in my room, and move accordingly. I'll buy a couple of storage tubs a week, I can afford $10 to get two, and start sorting what's in the room, and start cataloging my books to either keep or sell. I need a couple more regular office boxes to clean off my bookcases to move them around. Maybe I'll move my bed, who knows.
Of course - finding the TIME to do any of this may have me off my rocker. To which I'll have to listen to a long winded diatribe, I'm sure. I'm overwhelmed.
Anyone want to take me in for a night, rub my head and promise me it'll get better?
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
Well,
Date: 2003-05-12 10:35 am (UTC)Its totally in the opposite direction of where you work, but if you need a night away your always welcome to chill in tha' hood wit us :)
Re: Well,
Date: 2003-05-12 10:40 am (UTC)The thing is - I tend to bring my bad attitude everywhere I go these days, and you're nice so I don't want you mad at me (since you're scary when you're mad *evil grin*) I usually just hide under the covers. but if I need a refuge, I can't think of anywhere better to go.
Side note - did you guys buy your plane tickets yet? This attitude I have is pushing me HARD to going to DC. As in I'll probably have the plane ticket and weekend pass money by the weekend. And then it's Ebay my ass off until I have enough to go with. I just want to give you a yes, or no, for SURE, so I can get on with either moping since I'm not going, or planning furiously so I CAN go. *grins*
Re: Well,
Date: 2003-05-12 10:59 am (UTC)Nope, I was lazy over the weekend. So, how should I proceed? I don't think it would kill us to wait till the weekend . . .
Re: Well,
Date: 2003-05-12 11:06 am (UTC)I'm not so concerned about going down super early, but I'd like to be there (personally) before the con closes for the night Thursday, so I can get my badge earlier rather than later. Then, spend Thursday planning what I'd like to see over the weekend, and whether or not I have to be up early on Friday. Maybe do a bit of shopping and exploring that I DIDN'T get to do last time.
So, basically, decide when you'd like to be there and when you'd like to leave and pop that into your search. like I said, I like Orbitz, but the other sites have just as good deals, Delta is pretty standard across the board, pricewise. Your flight may be a bit higher - I saw the later times on Thursday were more expensive than the earlier flights I was looking at.
*shrug* There always may be sales right around the corner. Waiting isn't that big a deal, if the prices go way up, we just wait to see if they come back down. The weekend should be safe tho, I'll double check Orbitz to see if there's a purchase by date on the deals.