well, I'm screwed

not literally you pervs.
Check the time stamp.
You think I'm tired?
I've actually been working productively for about 3 hours now.
I went to dinner with Chris and Letty, and it was my pleasure to take them out for once. I really REALLY love the Olive Garden, it's sad how much salad one person can eat when it's never ending.

After the drive home, and maybe it's the two coffees with dinner and the one when I got home *grins* but I was motivated and productive. And I'm learning to just GO with this feeling. I've been working on my own stuff and I'm going to do some work stuff, before forcing myself into bed for a few hours, then getting up early to send out some things at the PO. THEN to the client early. I should have showered, but it's way too late now. SHE is in bed, and has been for hours. I haven't heard from poor CB, but he might be avoiding email so I can't badger him. And I did, with the invite to have dinner, but that was "Hey I'm coming out your way if you want a break come to dinner, otherwise you STUDY young man!"

Speaking of that, I'm off to NYC next weekend. I've arranged a rare Friday off, and am taking the bus to meet CB after a work thing. There will be power slacking going on, with some booze, and food and clubs thrown in. I might stay with the loverly A (whose LJ name escapes me at the moment, and yes I could look, but I have a feeling no pointy pointy to it is a good thing right now) or with him in his hotel. And for some reason (*cough* frelling Yankees....boy do they ever SUCK*cough cough*) all the good cheap rooms are booked solid. Very distressed about this, since I feel like he shouldn't be staying and that I'd badgered him into it. But he assures me it's for him, not me, and my presence is a bonus. Personally, I also need the break. Everything weighs on me while at home, what I am and am not doing, whom and how much I owe. A weekend away from all that and with him will be - nice.

but THAT means, as usual, that I'm motivated and must get tons of work done before I go. I have to work triple time it seems to validate time off, to at least me. Which sucks.

I'm dealing with demons and guilt too. I feel like I have no right to some feelings, since I'm still dealing with older ghosts, and guilt that I'm stepping somewhere that I don't belong. Why is that I wonder? Why can't I just reach for something, instead of thinking about why I shouldn't have it? I'm fair to everyone but myself it seems, and I'm damned tired of it. I should be more fair to me for a while.

Ok I have laundry to fold before bed as well, so I need to get my work done. I can't stand how much I LOVE working this time of night. Maybe I SHOULD consider a night audit job of some kind. *sighs*

Look at me

Up before 9.
Although I have stuff to do and am sorta behind. I think it's a step in the right direction tho.
Not in the mood to eat but I have Podfee.

When I left you last night, I was working and had laundry to fold. I suddenly crashed, and had to rush to get to bed before I fell asleep at the wheel, so to speak. So everything got dropped to the floor, which needs to be arranged now, and I didn't take my contacts out til super late and I'm trying to give them some more time to disinfect. I NEED more contacts, I really need to get to the doctor. Once again teh Unit and her brilliant suggestion of her doctor, of the $150 just to walk in the door and the privilege of paying even MORE for a contact fitting, when I was just asking about the doctor who prescribed glasses for my nephew. Thankfully, with Harry Potter wearing them, getting glasses for him is NOT the torture it was for me.

Anyway, my point. I'm up and moving, which is shocking. I want to put away some of my clothes, get dressed, get over to the post office to mail the cds to a buyer, then to my client and I'd like to be there by 10. I'm wondering if it's because I need a check and the check signing hand is leaving at 1. It will be nice to have lunch at LUNCHTIME for once. I need this to be a constant event, so I can get to my CPA's in the afternoon during the Season. OH, I also need coolant, the slow leak didn't go away just because I filled the puppy up. I'm out since the bottle leaked.

Speaking of the car, wish him a happy milestone. On Friday, just as El and I were getting to my house, the odometer rolled to 200,000 miles. With all the replacements and such on the car, I picked it up with 11 miles on it. As of 200,011 he and I have gone that far together. Any wonder I don't want to give him up? Poor boy is worn out and is just unhappy. What I need to do is keep the oil fresh, and the tank about 1/4 of a tank (the performance improved significantly once I filled the tank last night. From Fumes *sheepish grin*) and just make time to do maintenance and he'll be good through the Season. Then I'm going to need a new car, I can feel it.

Anyway, contacts, post office, and the office are calling. More later as I'm sure.

Interdepartmental memo

to: hands, fingers
from: eyes and face
cc: brain

Stop Scratching! the skin on your face, especially around your eyes WILL NOT HEAL unless you stop picking at it. I understand it's fun, like picking scabs, but what are you Twelve? It won't be our fault if CB runs screaming over the weekend from how silly you look.

brain, I expect you to be all over this.

Thanks,
your face.

Didn't my horoscope say

be careful of lines of communication?
Many little irritations causing me to be a bit snappish and off mood (plus it's Monday) got me "talked to" earlier about my "inappropriate" tone.

Funny how inappropriate I get when I'm badgered. About something Very Not Important.

Seriously, this is more for a private post at some point, but I was just tired, things aren't going right today, the little things I mean, and now this. And I don't think it's me, as usual. At one point last week I doubted my choice of self employment. I mean it would be smarter for me to get a "real" job. THEN I have days like today. Imagine NOT being able to get away from the petty stuff, with my attitude. This is why I failed in my other jobs, my inability to let things go, OR other's inability to do the same.

And you know, I notice that when _I_ speak in that tone, I'm wrong, but when OTHERS speak to me that way, they're not. And that my forward, forthright behaviour fails under the whiney, passive agressive stance of most. I say "this is the problem." and I get "you're being mean" but if I covered it in double speak and corporate retoric It's ALMOST acceptable. but no matter what, I'm the one in the wrong. Can i REALLY be the wrong one all the time? I'm learning to pick and choose my battles, but I can't believe that not wanting to waste my (and your) time hashing, rehashing and REREhashing something that happened for 5 minutes LAST WEEK is a good idea. And my unwillingness to do so is a "major problem."

Bah. THIS is why I'm self employed people. I don't "own" anything, and when I share offices I'm aware that it's not mine. I'm already curbing a BUNCH of my usual habits so as not to disturb, but I notice noone else does that for me.

yeah I know what I sound like. I'm really not that bad. I am the outsider, and I LIKE it that way. I don't HAVE to take sides or sit with the cool kids at lunch. I come in, do my work, and LEAVE, to be backbiting and katty with my friends, and naughty with my lovers. When I do it in the office, they can't handle it (unless I worked at say ManRay or Hubbas. Then I'd be the tame one.)

I'm REALLY looking forward to this weekend. I NEED to not work for a while. A good long while but let's home the weekend will do for now.