Epiphany

I knew it was right to go out. I knew it would be a mistake to stay home.

Maybe it was the booze, maybe it was the time to think on both drives, or sitting there listening to slowly crappier music. But somewhere, on that stool, at Club Hell, something snapped. I was thinking about "Why didn't I do this before" It's been a YEAR AND A HALF since I've been to Club Hell. WTF?

Where did my life fucking go? I mean, I used to do EVERYTHING, with energy to spare. I could take a day off and lounge and not feel like an asshole. I don't' know what happened, but gothdammit, it's STOPPING NOW.

When did I stop living my life? When did I start just existing, and hiding in a corner? Seriously, I've had it. I know I've said this before but I kept letting things get to me. So WHAT if I disappoint some people? So what if things don't' go smoothly? Can I live with me? right now - hell no!

This is it, I need to remember that I've had enough. I need my life back, I'm going to g out whether I like it or not. I'm going to start working for things, I want to omuch to sit back and fret about how I'm going to do it!
I spent some time talking to Jill, and her boy, and I'm glad I did. She listened and empathized and gave me some ideas. I need to do that more often. I miss my friends, and my phone doesn't fucking ring because I've successfully pushed people away and it needs to stop.

Must email people and call people, and see what's up. I have to stop being afraid, everything will work out.

The lioness has been dormant, but MAN is she back, teeth bared and claws out. I'm wondering where she went in the first place, I've felt off for a while. I think it might have started back at CoatBoy. I deserved and earned all the crap I've been through. Not Anymore.

Part of this catling has already posted but we have the same astrologer, so here's my relevant part.

So if you have felt very out of control, like things are happening and events are taking over without you having any say, you know why. You are doing it to yourself at such a subtle level, you don't realize what you are creating.

Damn straight. It's been all me all along. I'm not blaming myself anymore, and I'm not afraid. Bring it on.

I'm setting my alarms for 8, I'm getting up and showering and making some phone calls to drum up some work. Then, I might go visit a dancer and help her unpack. I'm also going to ask for that loan, no matter how bad it makes me look, so I can pay off her majesty and my bills, and I'm not going to worry about how it makes me look.

But first I'm going to wash my eyes with baby shampoo, although even with caked on makeup they don't itch. Weird. I know how weird this sounds but I have to pamper my eyes!

The world goes on

in the light of last night's drunken rambling (ok not so drunken, I did drive home after all) I'm even more glad I went. I spent every cent in my wallet - all of $18, but it was well worth it.

Today I have or am -
- set my alarms for 8:30, but let myself sleep a bit longer. I have nowhere to be right now. It's OK, I can still make my calls, in fact it's good, let's people get stuff done before I interrupt their day.
- very happy I went out last night, since I can't tonight. Although I want to be there for M's spinning, I'm not sure I can stomach the other two DJs alone. Plus, I have a client, whom I'm probably going to be working til about 9:30 -10, and I can't afford to go for not free, and I need to be working.
- to make phone calls to my clients. I need to throw some clothes on, wash my eyes and put my contacts in.
- if I'm staying home, put more stuff up to Ebay. I have more clothes, and shoes.
- Also, see if SecondSpin will let me research prices, which they haven't all weekend. There are sites on the web that aren't letting me work with them. I'm certain is has something to do with the fact that IE is evil. but Second Spin wouldn't even show me my account. So I know it's them. I want to offer the list of items to people at a better offer plus postage, or hand delivery. Since most of the cds are only at 2 or 3 dollars I think that could be a nice windfall. I have too many CDs, and I have a box full of stuff I know I want gone, and I have to find the tapes I want out too.

I have energy for the first time in a while. And, I smell of and smelt something I Haven't in a club for a LONG TIME - SMOKE! I was sitting next to a guy smoking a cigar. It was weird. very very weird. And I still say, while I don't approve of the methodology, nor do I like the orders from the government, but I DO like not smelling of smoke. And, I bought a hot dog - that place is awesome and would do a booming business in Cambridge.

Ok, I'm up and running. Need to dress and make calls until I get a hold of Mommy.

OK

I know I'm hungry for work, but I'm not stupid.
There's on opportunity on the Cape, in Chatham, it's a two hour drive, maybe more. That's pretty not feasible, especially since they say, in caps "CAPE APPS ONLY" but hey, I have the experience.

The "salary" is a joke. It wouldn't even pay for my gas to drive there.
I do NOT think so, thank you.
I love the people who want experience, and autonomy, but don't want to PAY for it. I'm cheaper at my higher pay scale since I AM experienced, and will do the work more efficiently. I know one of my clients was worried when I first started,. My predecessor always took all day, and screwed up everything. I took about 4 hours the first time, and within two months had it down to two hours. Every two weeks. I've MORE than paid for myself.

Anyway, I don't need that client, the cons outweigh the pros. I need to get away form this thing. Maybe I'll just drive on out to Waltham. I hate invading.

And we have a nibble

It's not quite the job I wanted, but I'm sliding back into the "Hey we don't need to work ALL the time." mentality, which is getting a right bitchslapping.
15-20 hours a week, although I think once he's caught up it'll be less, he'd like to meet "Face to face" and it's not too bad of a commute. he just doesn't understand my "ideas." that's OK I can sell it.
YAY for work. If I have an offer or a plan, I can ask for a loan easier.
I'm going to swing out for a while. the cheap gas is there anyway.

*sighs*

*hangs head*

Next time someone has a GMail invite, please let me know.
I don't WANT another email, but I thought it would be nice to give Lou and the wife one, and donate the rest to GMail4troops.com. I figure, rather than ask for some, I'll ask for one, then give out any invites I get.

Thank you thenetimp
tiamatlady at gmail eldotto com
Might grab my name when I get an invite.

An actual post later soon. I did well at having a life today. I will do better tomorrow.