I am Jack's Long and Rambling Post

*sigh*
Discontent.
I don't know why. Perhaps after I actually have a day off tomorrow. things will look different. I think I should have gone out somewhere. At least called Laura or something.
So right now I'm putting cd's on the hard drive of doom again. I'm up to Def Leppard. I love Def Leppard. I think they may be touring this summer. So, Depeche Mode, and possibly Duran and the B52's and Def Leppard AND the Cruxshadows in May and August, hopefully. Plus I really think I want to go to that con in Atlanta. Not only for the con, but Atlanta is the closest city to where Lou is stationed. I'd be nice to see him, maybe see where he lives and get a feel for what he's dealing with. I don't know why I think of him more often now than ever before. I knew I'd miss him, but everything I do reminds me of him. We weren't even that close, and goddess knows he pisses me off sometimes. Especially when he chases nasty women, and ignores me. *sigh*
THEN there's the horn factor. As in horny. As in sad. As in possibly thinking about jumping people I so should NOT. (No Greg, sorry, still not you. Here, have a cookie.) I want toys. I want a dvd player, and I may just go and buy one, after I get the tires.
I feel.......strange. Odd. Off. It's just the sudden "You don't have to go to work tomorrow and save that guy millions in taxes."
Oh, did I mention I was tired of all the "I hate taxes" threads I keep reading on the lists, and I know I should just stop. Reading those particular posts, that is. And in LJ. "I owe this much" and "I screwed up. Now I have to blah blah blah." HAH, not so easy is it? Sheep. Damn sheep.
*sigh**rubs face*
Cranky. Calling people names is cranky. And tomorrow at ManRay you'll not be able to tell, I'll be bouncing all over the place. *sigh*
Recording Deliriums' Karma now.
I don't like wanting things I can't have. Or someone. Why can't I want what I CAN have? Why does it always be the one I can't? I should have learned my lesson in Ben. Dammit, I can't have that one, I see that. hell I saw it THEN! Does that mean I didn't still want it. I believe I can have anything I want, I was brought up a spoiled brat. but when it comes to people, I just can't "force' myself where I'm not wanted. Yes, I can be pushy and annoying *Waves at Jedi, who is subjected to far too many "naughty Jedi dances" by a tipsy Tia* but I don't actually PUSH myself on someone. Is it pride? or is it self-consciousness? I'd like to think it's pride. I make it a rule not to beg. Although I have come close. I just see what I want so clearly, and I can't FIND it. I can see it, in those I can't have. Maybe if I just change this, or that, I could.
Except for one problem - I'm not changing just to make someone else more "comfortable" Tried that, failed. And I'm better off without those friends who said things like "You know if you did (or didn't do) X we'd like you so much better." See that curb over there, that's where they are, baffled at how their tactics eventually backfired. So I'm not going to readjust myself to attract someone.
Doesn't change the things that have suddenly appeared in front of me that I never knew I wanted.
Like THAT one. I had no clue I'd be attracted. then I spent time with him, and realized how different he can be. How annoying, and quiet and able to be overwhelmed, but he has this inner strength, that allows him to continue down this rather stubborn, rather short sighted path he's on. No I don't like what he's doing, but I admire his tenacity. he thinks he's right, and is just continuing along, steadily. I like that, too much. I like strength, for all that I want a little boy tied to something and ball-gagged. That is just a temporary solution. I think that's why I like Constantine and the other one. There's an inner strength and quiet that appeals to the wild moody angry side of my Leo nature. Constantine is a Taurus, which is SUCH a bad sign. (For those keeping score Ben is a Taurus, hence the bad connotation. Two stubborn Fire signs hooking up is NOT a good idea) I don't know about the other one. I'm not sure I want to . Hang on, I think I'll check - Nope - Wait one more place, isn't the Internet a wonderful thing? Nope not there either. It's probably for the best. I shouldn't do this but tonight I'm asking my damn tarot cards. I don't like reading myself I see too much into them. Maybe a trip down to the Tea Room tomorrow is in order. Regina Russel's in Quincy. There's another place, Open Doors, but I can't stand that place. The one time I got a reading there the woman was so belligerent and angry and pushy I go no use from the reading at all. They can see I know things, that I'm not just an Old Navy wearing idiot off the street, but that really is no call to be mean. I had a great reading at the Tea Room, I think I'll shoot down tomorrow. I've had two, one from a VERY tasty man with a deck made from a Swedish porn magazine, and one from a woman whom I would have considered a friend elsewhere. She gave me excellent advice about Ben during the Incident. And she was right about how long it lasted too. I hope to find her again, but it was a while ago.
Digress.
I wish I knew what to do about this, I have to call it longing. I can't act on it. I could hit him with a clue by four and it wouldn't sink in. I asked Greg, and he said "Jump him or get over it." I don't think that's a solution. I don't think there's any solution. I think I'm lonely and tired and more than sex I'd like a companion. I'm not willing to change or give up any of my freedom. Stalemate. Did I mention he's not interested? AND I'm not the only one who feels or has felt this way. What IS it with this one? I've watching him do it unconsciously and here I am blinded by it. *boggle*
Hrm, 1AM. I should go to bed. Or at least lie in bed and watch this Spaceketeers tape again. Maybe rewatch Buffy. It made me cry. Especially Angel. Gods, I love that dynamic. Buffy seems like a girl and not silly stuck up SMG when she and David are on screen. And he is so sweet. For all their troubles they are there for each other when it TRULY counts. I want that.
I can do without the forehead though. The vampire one. (OK MAYBE I'd be ok with the vamp thing, as long as it was attached to David Boreanaz. I told you, chicks dig the forehead.)
One more thing I lust after and can't have. Simon LeBon, David Boreanaz, Jesse Dart, Constantine and That One. Oh and Ben, don't forget Ben. (Shouldn't be forgetting him, life lesson hard earned/learned)
Good night Daddy, Maybe the morning will look different. Or rather, afternoon if I have my way.

*sarcasm* Thanks Tyg3r!

Here's how I translated this:
You want.
You COULD have
Prepare to die. Or have that Handbasket ready for your trip.
*sigh*
That's like the Tower, ain't it.
(Editor's note - Serious Thanks to Tyg3r for the link, really. It looks interesting. I'll be bookmarking it)

These were the cards chosen by you

1. How you are feeling at this moment, what is on your mind and the nature of your question.
HOPE
towards restoring
vertical perspective
Jupiter in Taurus or in the Second House

When you weren’t looking, an angel drifted overhead carrying garlands of gigantic tulips. When the greytones of despair or cynicism have drained the color from your life, you are in a spiritual crisis. If you’ve become overly critical or bored to tears or, entangled in pointless activities, you may need a more uplifting perspective. The inspiration you seek now depends on getting a bird’s eye view of your situation. It’s time to ask the bigger questions, like: What are you living for? What makes it all worthwhile? What gives your life purpose?
Quick! Another angel comes this way;
this one drops monstrous roses.

2. The factors influencing you and what is happening around you.

SYNCHRONICITY
a message from the No Coincidences Dept.
Uranus in Sagittarius or in the Ninth House

Serendipity’s in the air. Many are the ways horizontal and vertical planes converge. When they do, they create highly charged moments of accelerated time and expanding space where multiple lines of fate collide, coincide and synchronize. Whether or not you chalk this up to fate or chance, this situation may be another message from the "No Coincidences Dept." The mirror effect in this image reflects parallel fates or realities coming together in unexpected ways, times and places. New meaning and fresh contexts result. Like MAGIC, synchronicity exists everywhere; awareness of it increases with a closer proximity to center. The closer to center you get, the more aware of it you become.

3. The direction you need to take to resolve any problems before you.

CHAOS
altering the expected
Uranus in Leo or in the Fifth House

Expect the unexpected. Things are not what they seem; your immediate plans are subject to change. This does not have to be a problem; it might be a joyous collision of preconceptions and realities. With anarchist glee and a pilot’s precision, you may be ready to witness your most outdated mental constructs explode and release more truth from your radiant being. This kind of chaos can bridge vertical intent into the labyrinth through the bright bursting colors of creative destruction. WARNING: You risk losing power if and when the force of destruction ceases to serve Creation. Destructive
destruction turns to dismal dispersion; creative destruction yields a bounty of wild blessings.

Oh and if THAT wasn't bad enough:
The 4th card clarification:
Did this reading just call me an idiot?

the truth about illusions
Neptune in Sagittarius or in the Ninth House

Uh oh. Don’t panic. You’ve been duped or are about to be duped. If you can see an illusion for the illusion it is, rather than the truth you thought it was, you’re ready for a little enlightenment. Of course this depends entirely on your choice to lighten up and sort through your perceptions for more truth. Disillusionments act like little enlightenments disguised as jokes. Next time those cherries drop on your head, look up. Open wide and savor the juice; be careful not to choke on the pits. Try not taking it too personally; the greater the delusion, the greater the potential for clear seeing.

I just wanted to say to her

Yes that's nice about my job but When AM I Getting Laid?

I went for the card reading. In a very dead Tea Room. I asked to be put out of view of the cam, as I looked Icky. The lady looked pissy. Grrr. At least she was just the greeter lady. My reader was more of an angels and white lighter, and her eyes kept flicking between my chain mail bracelet, my tiny anhk earrings and my pentacle. I think I made her nervous. *evil grin* I usually do. I walk in and they can feel it, that I do reading and I CAN and WILL call them if they try to snow me. The cute boy, with the Porn deck, he was the best. Sat down looked at me and said "What." I said huh? he said "What. What didn't your own cards tell you that you are here?" I grinned and said I don't know what you mean, and he said "Don't give me that. I felt you across the room. So What?" So I broke and told him, I can't rememeber what now, but yes I did have a question. he spent more than 15 with me, and prectically begged me to get a job there, but I had to work the phones and I think that is a rip off. Maybe if I could work on the floor only, but I just can't not work with someone face to face. I also had a jewelry ready from him, and I was just going to give him my earring, and I trusted him enough to give him my pentacle. Gawds he was a cutie honey. *sigh*

Anyway this one was rather without fireworks. I got told I was working, and tired. I said I was in a state of flux regarding things right now, and she said that was exactly what she'd call it. She didn't tell me anything new, she didn't give me any new insight. OK maybe one or two things, but that's at the end. I need and Am going to be wowkring on a contract level, walk in work and leave. That my female boss is one of the keys, and a Website and business cards are the other. I knew one, and am working on the other. I've been free of tax season hell for less than 24 hours, I think I deserve a break first.

She also told me about my confusion about That One. But not to worry, that really was going nowhere, but she didn't tell me if the nowhere went though Naughty Land first *grin* I told her about That One, and Constantine, and about how SERIOUSLY much I was attracted to Constantine. The difference between the two. She seems to think that C was taken, but that is MY belief so that may have come out. I am to cultivate a friendship with C, I am to Stay Away from That One, becuase he'll drive me insane. I am also not to think about moving in with my friend Chris, to stay with mom for now, becuase I would be meeting someone new, whome I would be moving in with and haing babies and living with a guy would confuse the issue. Ok that's where I suspend my belief. I do NOT want kids, espeically NOW. no way not gonna happen. I do believe that she Might be right about the guy. She said June/July which is outside of the May Possibility. She said he would be New, not someone I know, and he'd adore me. That what I like about Constantine, he'd have in spades, and he'd be all mine. He'd take care of me.

This is where I stop with her. I think she tried, she really did. But she kept assuming that the things that make her other clients happy would make me so. Yes, i'd like a partner, but only in the low points do I feel the lack. I don't want to NEED anyone, I like the idea of a team effort. I truly look at Brian/Jodi as an example and as a source of hope. It IS possible, I CAn have it, I just need the right one, who isn't here yet.

So she told me nothing, 20 bucks later. *sigh* I need a friend, I miss Abby, I'd love one of her readings. Maybe tomorrow I'll call her mom and leave her a message. She seem s to know too. Although she's vanished I'm sure I could compell her into calling. She's probably out of state, thinking I'm pissed. Silly Monkey.

Ok I'm going to CompUSA to return some CD-Rs that were too damn expensive. And then to Newbury Comics, then home to shower and get ready for ManRay. Or maybe I'll skip Newbury, shower and comb out my extensions. Yeah thats it.
*sigh*
I ned a new focus, maybe tomorrow will feel different.