Whoa, vacillate much?
Sep. 15th, 2002 02:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tiamatladySO I was rereading my last entry (yeah, get up early. *gag* didn't happen. I have to learn NOT to roll back over and fall back asleep) and then remembered a reply to someone else's journal entry, and realized these two entries are, pretty much, in complete disagreement with one another.
In one, I rail against not having CB, about how much I want him and how he's made me feel that there is something missing. And then in the other, I say how he appreciates my self reliance, and how I DON'T need him.
ARGH!
The fact is, both these things are true, depending on my mood.
OK, let me see if I can sum up (for ME, if you don't like it, stop reading, it's my journal, as Bret says "F'EM")
I like CB muchly. And I'm obsessing about him muchly (It's a Leo thing, I obsessed about Ben just as much, and then it just "shut off") And the fact is, I want him to be an integral part of my life. He makes me feel a hole in my life, that he can fill. He'd be my friend, and support, and chief annoyance , and everything.
But the "hole" is CB shaped and sized. Only he can fill it. If he chooses not to, I won't be crippled by it. I might be if he put himself into my life, then removed himself abruptly, that would suck. But it wouldn't kill me. I'm used to and I like being alone. Do I want to, no, not really. But to be a clingy, overreactive bitch isn't in me either. I don't LIKE losing control, and acting irrationally. But I'm a demanding only child like psyche. I want this and I want it NOW! (I AM Veruca Salt *grin*)
So I want, and need CB, but only him. If it doesn't work I'll deal. I like being self assured, and self reliant, but I wouldn't mind having someone to lean on every once in a while. I like not having to report in, but I also want someone who wants to know where I am, and what I'm doing. I like having free time, but I also want someone waiting for me in bed, patiently, while I goof off, or slack around. Like I told him, I want a partner, an equal, who isn't afraid to tell me when I'm wrong, or have so little self esteem that my strength compromises his self image. CB is all of these things. He'll never tell me that I'm too much, or be afraid to tell me what he thinks. He fits, he feels right. And, bear with me here, even though he's a Taurus and we're not supposed to get along in the long run, he was raised by a Leo female. he's singularly suited to deal with me. it's a delicious feeling. So please don't fault me for not wanting to give up without a fight.
Ok now that I'm worked up, I'm off to shower and head to a party/dinner. Must make sure to stop for a burger first, so I don't disgrace myself by eating everything! Haven't eaten yet today and didn't eat much yesterday. So I'm frickin STARVING!
In one, I rail against not having CB, about how much I want him and how he's made me feel that there is something missing. And then in the other, I say how he appreciates my self reliance, and how I DON'T need him.
ARGH!
The fact is, both these things are true, depending on my mood.
OK, let me see if I can sum up (for ME, if you don't like it, stop reading, it's my journal, as Bret says "F'EM")
I like CB muchly. And I'm obsessing about him muchly (It's a Leo thing, I obsessed about Ben just as much, and then it just "shut off") And the fact is, I want him to be an integral part of my life. He makes me feel a hole in my life, that he can fill. He'd be my friend, and support, and chief annoyance , and everything.
But the "hole" is CB shaped and sized. Only he can fill it. If he chooses not to, I won't be crippled by it. I might be if he put himself into my life, then removed himself abruptly, that would suck. But it wouldn't kill me. I'm used to and I like being alone. Do I want to, no, not really. But to be a clingy, overreactive bitch isn't in me either. I don't LIKE losing control, and acting irrationally. But I'm a demanding only child like psyche. I want this and I want it NOW! (I AM Veruca Salt *grin*)
So I want, and need CB, but only him. If it doesn't work I'll deal. I like being self assured, and self reliant, but I wouldn't mind having someone to lean on every once in a while. I like not having to report in, but I also want someone who wants to know where I am, and what I'm doing. I like having free time, but I also want someone waiting for me in bed, patiently, while I goof off, or slack around. Like I told him, I want a partner, an equal, who isn't afraid to tell me when I'm wrong, or have so little self esteem that my strength compromises his self image. CB is all of these things. He'll never tell me that I'm too much, or be afraid to tell me what he thinks. He fits, he feels right. And, bear with me here, even though he's a Taurus and we're not supposed to get along in the long run, he was raised by a Leo female. he's singularly suited to deal with me. it's a delicious feeling. So please don't fault me for not wanting to give up without a fight.
Ok now that I'm worked up, I'm off to shower and head to a party/dinner. Must make sure to stop for a burger first, so I don't disgrace myself by eating everything! Haven't eaten yet today and didn't eat much yesterday. So I'm frickin STARVING!
