Weird

[tiamatlady]

I shouldn't be up still, but I ended up falling asleep for a bit, so now I'm awake for a bit *sigh*

Today we went to Canobie Lake, me and KA and MaCherie Nikki, m'lady Debb, and Miss Ellie. All I could think about was the last time I was up there, for Theresa's/Lisa's birthday and nasty Mary Quite Contrary telling me I'm too fat for that dress. I'm SO glad I have the picture or her, in said dress, stretching it quite out, AND looking like a live raspberry, from her sunburn, and how the purple dress reflected off her face. (Purple is HER color, when she saw my car I think steam actually poured out of her ears *grin*) I ended up exhausted, still a bit wet (The Tea Party ROCKS, the final splash is a bit - much *evil grin*)

So, I'm reading friendsfriends list, and I see this entry about being at Canobie lake and seeing a man in a Bauhaus shirt, and it turns out to be the other set of "us" that was in the park, which Nikki had pointed out to me since one of the girls was wearing a Cruxshadows shirt. It's always odd to see an incident from the other side of things. I'm just happy this was a nice one, no drama, no whining. Maybe next time we can all go as a nice big gang, like today. We alternated rides, and I boosted KA onto a carousel horse, and we had MUCH fun. *sigh* I wish it could be kewl all the time.

So, I'm tried, and ashamed that I never made it to Porn's. But if I'm going to keep a promise tomorrow, I have to stay in and go to bed. maybe I can get away with sleeping til 10:30, that's nine hours, that'll be fine, I hope. I have a decided lack of sleep from last night.

And I feel a blank space where CB is, I wish I knew what he was thinking. I've tried to repair things, and I get the feeling I'm doing more harm than good. But I only sent two pages, one this morning asking if he wanted to hang, and one later making sure he was studying. *sigh* I kinda wish I'd get at least an "I'm fine, stop poking me!" message. Bleh. I think I"ll draft an email tomorrow, a "*pout* I'm getting no attention" email. If I keep it light, I'll get a response.

Comments

[isolatory.livejournal.com]

CB = Chris Brantley?

[tiamatlady]

You stop.
Naughty, trouble causing, monkey!
CB = CoatBoy, the boy I've been ranting about for months. I don't want to start using his real name in my journal, and until I can call him "SugarLumps" or something equally gross. *grin*
Why, you trying to set me up or something? I heard he hooked up with a TASTY piece in London, he sent pictures to DJ Dan of Communion fame.
CB is the guy I'm usually sitting with at MR. He dances like a fiend, and wears fantasic, loverly coats and clothes. Hence, CoatBoy.

[filmstarusa.livejournal.com]

You really need to grow up Jen. I don't know why you find it necessary to keep harping on shit that happened 5 years ago. But seriously, move the fuck on. And quit talking shit about my friends. You are FAR from perfect.

[tiamatlady]

OK miss thing you need to SLOW down.
Since this is MY journal, I can say whatever I want.
I can sit there and say "Nyah nayh nyah these people all suck!" If I want to, because it's MY JOURNAL! I do NOT need to not say nasty things about people simply because they are YOUR friends.

I am SO quite not perfect. I tend to dwell far too much on the past. I tend to get VERY UPSET when I get dumped on by my friends for NOTHING. I don't like showing up to places and being pouted at because I am holding to what was decided on in the past, and not really feeling up to debasing myself to see if MAYBE they'll be my friend again. That is, if I've stopped sucking in the way that made them dump on me in the first place.

I can't see why, when you KNOW exactly what I think of her, Why you care at ALL? I'm not quite sure how this affects your life one bit. I mean, honestly, why do you care if I still harp on things? I ignore you, you ignore me. You've closed me out, in favor of better people, why does it matter to you why I still dwell on it? I think it's a total shame that, due to a LOT of petty things on a lot of sides, that very old and dear friendships no longer exist. If that's something that you don't need, why is it that if I DO, you are offended?

If you think that I'm singling you out, then you can go back and read about when I bitch about Laura or Ruthie, or a bunch of different people. I've tried to stay out of your life/way. I can understand that you seem to think I'm not, since I take it up here. *shrug* I really don't think "Gee I'm going to piss off T today" when I get up in the morning. I know this is hard to believe but I have other things to do with my time. And I do apologize for being bitter about how things went down, and I don't think I'll ever stop being bitter. But, as you've said, I'm far from perfect. But I DO know I'm not going to go back into the same things I was in, I don't want to be that miserable again. And if thinking about the experience, and applying it to current events, stops me from doing it again, than I think that makes me more grown up than you can understand.

Take a piece of advice, that actually Kimberly gave me, that I actually think is a good idea. Stop reading my journal. And if you do, don't let it bother you. If I'm nothing, then why in hell does my opinion mean jack? That's MY advice, don't worry about the things that you've removed.

I'm still facinated about how I'm not supposed to have an opinion, nasty or otherwise, because they're your friend. You know me THAT well, I should think. That's pretty funny. But when I think about how many times I bit my tongue, and how many times I still do it, to keep peace, it makes me giggle. I remember NOT punching someone in the face for calling me fat in that dress, and handing it over to her to stop the incessant whining. Yes, I WAS fat in that dress, and that's why I didn't mind taking it off. But I didn't start, and I bit my tongue, and relented, and I ranted later, so as to keep the peace. That's the one think I refuse to back down on, and it's the only thing I want you to realize, that that is the truth. Call me whatever you want, do whatever you like. But I keep the peace for my friends, not go places, not say things. Don't tell me that I haven't done that, because I have, and do.

Re:

[filmstarusa.livejournal.com]

First of all, I don't read your journal. I was pointed in the direction of this post by someone else. Second of all, I was more than willing to be civil and even friendly to you at Lisa's show, but you decided to just turn around and pout at the wall everytime I walked near you. I said hello to Nick and Debb, and would have said hello to you too if you weren't acting like such a 2 year old. Third of all, YOU are the one that stopped talking to me. I had no intention of ending any friendship with you or anyone else. All I did was point out that maybe, just MAYBE, you misjudged someone. But god forbid anyone ever tell you that you are wrong.

[tiamatlady]

First - of course you were pointed here. Forgive me if I don't care who or what reads this. I don't edit my journal, or myself, in the fear that someone else is "watching"

Second - at CHRIS and Lisa's show, you were far from willing to face anyone. If glancing over to a hurt face, that you were actually having to deal with consequences of your actions is called "willing to talk", then I obviously have been living on an entirely different planet. Pouting at the wall means not having to look at you and do something I'll regret, even if it's just burst into tears over what's gone.

Third - You didn't ask me to re-evaluate a misjudgement, you told me "You have to be friends with Percy or else" Even if you didn't MEAN it that way, you knew, from my email, that that is the way I TOOK it. I'd reached a breaking point with that, and I had had enough. Perhaps, that's not good enough, but it is for me.

I told you, call me whatever you like. It doesn't change my opinion, or my actions. MAYBE if you, and yours acted any differently, if you walked the walk you SAY you walk, maybe I'd be willing to re-evaluate my position. All I see is the same old shit, different day.

You can tell me I'm wrong all you like. If all I did was second guess myself, I'd be a miserable old lady with cats and no friends, in my opinion. I'm not wrong, because to assume that most of my actions are wrong is counterproductive. I'm happier than I've been in a while, LJ ranting not withstanding. I have a great support system, for the most part, and very little drama that isn't of my own making. I refuse believe that I'm doing something wrong in that.

I'm not fighting YOU as well as everyone else. That's why our friendship doesn't exist, from my end. I have no intention of dealing with you putting all your energy for me trying to guilt me into changing my mind about cruel and insecure people. That's not a friendship, that's manipulation. I'd never do that to you, and I do NOT tolerate it done to me. Be friends with whom you want, but force your opinions on me and it's all over. If I thought for one minute you needed me, I'd be there in a heartbeat. But long term, it comes with all sorts of conditions, that I can't deal with on a daily basis.

I may be cruel, in the same fashion I hate in others, and closed, but it's saving me a LOT of heartache and drama. I can be far too open a person to let in most of the crap I see go on. I want to work, and be with my friends. I think that my setup now is a good one, and I hesitate to let in anyone new, or old, that's going to upset my balance.

I'm sorry you feel the need to "correct" me, and we're probably better off apart. But please don't tell me not to write my thoughts here, I thought that was what this thing was for. I'm sorry you don't like it, I don't like some of it, myself. But I reread things and see what I was thinking, and how it's changed, and I feel like I grow every time I see my progress. And I like what I see, and I'm the only one, in the end, I have to face daily on the subject.

I'm afraid I'm done with this subject. I can't say anything else I haven't already said, and I'm just going to get a bunch of stuff I don't want, with everyone needing the last word. So, this is my last word, whether or not it's anyone else's. Anytime you want to talk, I'm here, although it might take some work to get beneath the hurt and bitterness. And if you don't want to, don't be angry if I respect your desire and "pout at the wall" in an effort to ignore someone who had been a pretty big part of my life for quite a while. This has been festering for months, and I'm glad to have gotten it out.

Re:

[filmstarusa.livejournal.com]

If I was so far from willing to face anyone, then why did I go out of my way to have a conversation with Nick and say hello to Debb? Why did I even show up there knowing you guys would be there if I am "far from willing to face anyone"?

I did not say "Be friends with Percy or else". I said "Maybe you should read what he wrote again and see what he is saying instead of taking it the wrong way". I am not even friends with Percy anymore, but I still stand by what I said to you that day.

But clearly I can see you're too stubborn to see things for what they really are. It saddens me to think that someone who meant so much to me, is so willing to hold on to past grudges and never grow past them. I wish you the best of luck in life.