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I preferred the ignorance of yesterday.
When I had money in my wallet, and spent it, without thinking about "later."
Later came after I hit two Xmas Tree Shops and Two Targets. After I'd been to the Cape and back, my other client and back. After I had fish and onion rings. I felt, like I had nothing to fear.
Fear is back.
I was good. I paid the bills I needed to pay, sent out the checks, including the whole amount for the cable bill, now almost pretty late. This way I don't have to tell Teh Unit I didn't pay it. Next month, she'll get it, and pay half, and I'll pay half and all will be well. I put the cash into the bank to cover the checks. Went to Wendy's for a treat for dinner, although I can't even call it dinner as by then it was midnight.
For some reason, I'm afraid again. I have money left, not a heck of a lot, but still. I feel like it's not going to stretch far enough through the week. I need to fill my tank up. Possibly twice. I don't have any leeway on my cards for this, it's coming out of my pocket. Maybe that's why I'm afraid. Like if I buy my comforter, if I can find it (and I have a lead on it) I'm going to be Uber Screwed.
I guess what I need to do is take it one day and one purchase at a time. I think the car's getting cheap gas this week. Beginning today (which I hate doing to the poor little guy) I drive to Rhode Island for Voltaire on Monday, I need money to get into ManRay on Wednesday (yep, hello addict) and money to eat and get chai on Thursday. Plus I wanted to buy some craft stuff today, and a throw for my bed I'd been eyeing, that matches another one I have. I think I'm going to get that today, maybe I'll get lucky and it'll be more onsale.
I have to top this whole thing off with the fact I'm not going to NYC, and I'm not happy about that. I should have called A a couple of days ago, since I KNEW then and I wasn't ready to admit it. I'm just not getting out of the Cruxshadows the high I used to. The fans just - suck. All newbies, all annoying (And if you're under the age of 22, and although you've been going to clubs for 4 whole years and LOVED the band for 3 WHOLE YEARS You're STILL AN EFFING NEWBIE, get over it!)
Bleh, I slept too late, I didn't mean to. I have thoughts keeping me up. I hated them. I hated having them. I pulled out my old Aquarian deck for a reading, also something I can't afford today, professional wise, and it WHOOPED my ass, I got nothing but "immature, stupid blah blah blah" Yeah, they're not happy about being in a box for too long. I had them safe, but forgot about the box itself, under my bed! Anyway, it's going to take some meditation and babying to get anything out of them.
OK, I've had enough of feeling sorry for myself. I'm getting dressed, and heading out for some errands, and some groceries. Later I put stuff up to my sale journal for advertising on Monday. Maybe I won't have to worry about money, if I sell one or two things, I'll have access to money via PayPal.
When I had money in my wallet, and spent it, without thinking about "later."
Later came after I hit two Xmas Tree Shops and Two Targets. After I'd been to the Cape and back, my other client and back. After I had fish and onion rings. I felt, like I had nothing to fear.
Fear is back.
I was good. I paid the bills I needed to pay, sent out the checks, including the whole amount for the cable bill, now almost pretty late. This way I don't have to tell Teh Unit I didn't pay it. Next month, she'll get it, and pay half, and I'll pay half and all will be well. I put the cash into the bank to cover the checks. Went to Wendy's for a treat for dinner, although I can't even call it dinner as by then it was midnight.
For some reason, I'm afraid again. I have money left, not a heck of a lot, but still. I feel like it's not going to stretch far enough through the week. I need to fill my tank up. Possibly twice. I don't have any leeway on my cards for this, it's coming out of my pocket. Maybe that's why I'm afraid. Like if I buy my comforter, if I can find it (and I have a lead on it) I'm going to be Uber Screwed.
I guess what I need to do is take it one day and one purchase at a time. I think the car's getting cheap gas this week. Beginning today (which I hate doing to the poor little guy) I drive to Rhode Island for Voltaire on Monday, I need money to get into ManRay on Wednesday (yep, hello addict) and money to eat and get chai on Thursday. Plus I wanted to buy some craft stuff today, and a throw for my bed I'd been eyeing, that matches another one I have. I think I'm going to get that today, maybe I'll get lucky and it'll be more onsale.
I have to top this whole thing off with the fact I'm not going to NYC, and I'm not happy about that. I should have called A a couple of days ago, since I KNEW then and I wasn't ready to admit it. I'm just not getting out of the Cruxshadows the high I used to. The fans just - suck. All newbies, all annoying (And if you're under the age of 22, and although you've been going to clubs for 4 whole years and LOVED the band for 3 WHOLE YEARS You're STILL AN EFFING NEWBIE, get over it!)
Bleh, I slept too late, I didn't mean to. I have thoughts keeping me up. I hated them. I hated having them. I pulled out my old Aquarian deck for a reading, also something I can't afford today, professional wise, and it WHOOPED my ass, I got nothing but "immature, stupid blah blah blah" Yeah, they're not happy about being in a box for too long. I had them safe, but forgot about the box itself, under my bed! Anyway, it's going to take some meditation and babying to get anything out of them.
OK, I've had enough of feeling sorry for myself. I'm getting dressed, and heading out for some errands, and some groceries. Later I put stuff up to my sale journal for advertising on Monday. Maybe I won't have to worry about money, if I sell one or two things, I'll have access to money via PayPal.
