Ruh-roh

my throat is scratchy.
sonovabeyatch.
I SO don't need this just now. Maybe Sunday, NOT today. I realized last night I'm craving juice (Vitamin C) and pretty consistently hungry. not good signs. Could also explain the exhaustion (Ok there's more than one reason for that.)
This morning I woke up before my alarm. I find that decidedly disconcerting.
I'm cold, and want nothing more than to get back into bed. I do need to shower. I think I'm NOT going to the Cambridge client again. I need to finish putting the personals together. And get food.

One more week.

(no subject)

Good
A lackluster Law and Order, and large desire for a Steak and Cheese sub have me ready to get moving.
I just feel - off.

Pretty pissed about the obviousness of me not going to ManRay tonight. That's more thsan a month of no Wednesdays out. My only night out that didn't involve work was Wolfsheim, which wasn't really worth it in the end. It's not a big thing, and yes, it does outline my addiction. But I'd been wanting a break, so this WILL be good in the long run. I jsut arrainge things, and give up a pile of other things so I CAN go out and I'm just not happy it worked out teh suck this year.

AND - my intended bender for next week is offically toned down, since I made an appointment for Thursday at Saturn. *sighs* Effing Dumbass.

Think I'm gonna go buzz my hair again then shower.

Ugh

I really need to learn to keep my mouth shut.
I work in several very nice offices. The ones I'm happiest in, are the ones I don't say ANYTHING about myself AT ALL. Or, very little. Like one woman relates to me, what little I've said (She's very encouraging about my desire to see Egypt, and very generous to boot. I have 4 movie passes! just as a "Hey I really appreciate you" gift.)

One of the people I talked to and probably talked to much too, is part time season help in this office. She's usually very insightful. But this season, all her comments have been "You need to get up and get moving." She said I should take at LEAST three solid days off for myself, and I told her what I had to and wanted to do on the 15th and after (car triage, repairs or used car shopping, and the symbolic gutting/rearranging of my room.) She just has this *cluck* sound that drives me NUTS. That I'm failing - and this is just over a a freaking MINI vacation!

*sighs* I don't expect anyone to understand - I don't really get it myself. All I know is that I have things _I_ want to do and responsibilities to _myself_ that I've been ignoring. The car practically SCREAMING for an oil change. The taxes I need to do for myself. The room revamp. The Wedding (of doom, of woe *grins*), and everything attached to it. The friends I've ignored or stepped away from, even before tax season. No, not precisely relaxing things, but things that I need, and MORE IMPORTANTLY _WANT_ to do. I don't WANT to work right now. When I started this whole "Let's try going into business for ourselves." thing I was DISTURBINGLY gung-ho. Where did I lose that? When? Is there a moment that I just mentally "gave up"?

Anyway, the point is that she was picking my plans apart, and I realized, in a rush, that she always DOES. Nothing is ever "right." She's treating my like her daughter. My Cape Boss, and D's mom, both treat me like that. Like their adult daughter. It's humbling, and I'm grateful.

but I need to be treated like an ADULT. Not like their adult CHILD. I need to be told "Yo, bitch! You're late! Who the hell do you think you are?!?"

I guess I need consequences. With my clients, it's easy. They count on me, if I let them down, they'll fire me. Actions.....Consequences.

I have to remember too, tho, that this is the office where, when I told the nice guy the war was about oil, he FREAKED OUT on me, and has barely spoken to me since. (I challenge HIM to have a personal stake in this whole shebang. HE looks at the whole thing from the mid-aged White Male Republican viewpoint. Which means the truth is only what he tells you it is, now go get pregnant, and get him a beer while you're at it, silly little girl. I have personal stake, as long as Lou is "out on business." Fuck him - right in the ear.)

Gah. I should be working, but I needed to get that out. Back to entering crap.