Oh shit.

I just found a co-worker's LJ.
gods be with me, I'm not sure I want to read it.

I'm never unamazed at just HOW many people have this thing. And what I find out in them. I'm surprised about how raw I am in mine. And I think other people are too. So it drives me crazy when I see a lot of "I COuld write about it but I'm not", then WHY the hell say anything? Ok, been guilty of it, but not to the extent I've seen.

OK and I JUST had a TMI moment. *sigh* Stop READING you fool!

So, do I add her to my friends list and invite her into the dark goffic world of me? Or perhaps I'll talk to her about it first. I like her, and I hate disappointing her, so I need to try to work harder for her. *sigh*

Too. Many. Thoughts.

I put a mass amount of stuff on Amazon. *sigh* I don't expect anything to sell, to be honest. I NEED to get to what I know I'll get money for, the goth clothes. I was poking around on Gothic Auctions.com and the FAQ was offline. Wondering what would be better? Ebay or private gothic only? Probably Ebay.. feline said she'd spread the word once they were up, maybe dionysia will give me some tips too.

But now I'm tired, and I'm starting to read LJ's that make me want to give some people GREAT big hugs, and I can't, so I'm going to finish watching Harry Potter. I have some filing to do too, and I need to getup reasonably early to go vote. I do when I can, it's my Constitutional given right, and I have no right to bitch if I don't vote.

*steps off soapbox*

Tired

I think my body is trying to tell me something. I'm not sleeping til 3AM, and getting up in the morning is occurring later and later. Fortunately, I'm not late, per se, today and tomorrow, if it happens again.

I had some sort of revelation last night (and it's about CB, so if you're NOT interested stop reading, I don't want to hear any bitching and moaning about being obsessed) I'm feeling the need to say Something, because it's starting to fade, except leaving me with a feeling of - peace? Contentment? something like that. It was about his resistance to casual sex, and with me in particular. And as I was falling asleep, I thought "Gee it might be a good thing, I don't think I could let him go after we have sex." And it hit me like a thunderbolt. Given my attitude towards sex (and lack thereof) it always changes things when I'm getting some, and the abruptly NOT getting some. Neither of us wants that kind of drama. And he's old enough to have been through this. And have incidents. I'm attached to him, already. If things don't work out, now, it'll be upsetting. If we start getting "into" it, and the relationship breaks, it'll be devastating. I'm beginning to see WHY he waited months to even kiss one of his ex's.

And then there's this - what if he still has issues about ME? I mean, I'm mostly a player, I didn't really want to settle down. When you WANT to settle, and be committed, and the only person you want is a flibberty jibbet, who began your relationship entertaining you with stories of previous boy toys (believe me they were funny, and he's told me stuff too), why wouldn't you think your heart is going to get trampled on?

So, if I want him, I have to walk the walk, and talk the talk. I have to set aside everyone else (yeah, all my invisible boyfriends, it's not really hard since I don't WANT anyone else now) and focus on work, friends, and him. Seriously, I see this as the only way to his heart, to prove that I'm worthy of his trust, and in return he MUST have absolute faith and trust in me, and be faithful.

Yes, neither of us has an attachment, or a commitment. I understand that. but now it's suddenly MY choice, to "wait" if you will. If he chooses someone else, then I will chalk it up to experience, and be upset at losing something that could have been wonderful, but I'll get over it. I don't know if I'd get over losing him due to conflicting behavior.

Ok, that's not going to go over so well, is it? We're all not used to Tia sitting back. But I thnk, now that this is my decision, it's the best thing I could do right now. I feel like I'm doing, I'm making decisions, even though I'm kinda just following his lead *grin* I could do worse, and maybe I'll get my career back on track. I don't want to feel like I'm "waiting", perhaps "buillding a relationship" are the better word, I'm just not doing it on the normal "jump ito it" timetable.. I can't see that being bad.

OK, must dress, I wanted to go vote before work, and I need to do it soon, before lunch. It's bad enough in the morning with all the old biddies *makes a face* Then, off to a client, then hopefully dinner with Laura, since there seems to be some sort of problem, and we need to either fix it, or move past it. She's not exactly a happy camper, I saw her last night for a bit.

*sigh* Hopefully I can talk to him about this soon. Stupid test and stupid HIM not studying all along *kicks rock*