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Jan. 28th, 2002
Well this sucks
Jan. 28th, 2002 08:45 amEven after doing a hella lot of nothing yesterday, I'm sick. Looks like the cold that's been going around has settled in my chest.
My schedule for today does not include sleep:
1) Bookkeeping from 9 to 12 or 1.
2) Stoughton from whenever that ends til about 6.
3) New client near Porter Square from 7 til whenever.
At least I know enough to not plan a visit in that area at the same time. At least NOW I know. Sad pathetic state of affairs. You couldn't pay me to check on that state of mind. I still have a hard time believing it.
Seriously, the whole "poly" thing, I've had enough. Next time someone tells me that they are "poly" I'm running in the other direction. It causes NOTHING but problems, and ends up making one look entirely stupid. Marcus is right, "I'm SO glad you've conquered the whole relationship thing, and you're SO good at it you can do it with more than one person at once. Bravo." Considering the hierarchy, and how I _Need_ to be number one, I can't fathom how it would work. I'm done being someone's last. If you can't put me first, you are NOT worth my time. Even playing with someone has now become circumspect. I won't put up with some insecure creature telling me WHEN I can see whom _I_ want to.
This whole last week cost me MY self respect and self esteem. And it STOPS here.
Cost me someone who would have been a friend, someone who was there for me as much as he could have been, but faced with my current attitude, the radio silence will continue. And all I have left is this attitude. I don't feel anything else. *sigh*
I'm going to be late.
My schedule for today does not include sleep:
1) Bookkeeping from 9 to 12 or 1.
2) Stoughton from whenever that ends til about 6.
3) New client near Porter Square from 7 til whenever.
At least I know enough to not plan a visit in that area at the same time. At least NOW I know. Sad pathetic state of affairs. You couldn't pay me to check on that state of mind. I still have a hard time believing it.
Seriously, the whole "poly" thing, I've had enough. Next time someone tells me that they are "poly" I'm running in the other direction. It causes NOTHING but problems, and ends up making one look entirely stupid. Marcus is right, "I'm SO glad you've conquered the whole relationship thing, and you're SO good at it you can do it with more than one person at once. Bravo." Considering the hierarchy, and how I _Need_ to be number one, I can't fathom how it would work. I'm done being someone's last. If you can't put me first, you are NOT worth my time. Even playing with someone has now become circumspect. I won't put up with some insecure creature telling me WHEN I can see whom _I_ want to.
This whole last week cost me MY self respect and self esteem. And it STOPS here.
Cost me someone who would have been a friend, someone who was there for me as much as he could have been, but faced with my current attitude, the radio silence will continue. And all I have left is this attitude. I don't feel anything else. *sigh*
I'm going to be late.
My biggest problem
Jan. 28th, 2002 11:06 pmis seeing what COULD have been.
If onlys.
Perhaps because I DO see the good in people, and believe in it, and I'm damned surprised when it bites me in the ass.
Like Ashton.
Like Cassel
Like Theresa.
I can SEE the potential. And I believe in it. And when it shatters, it sucks.
Been a lot of shattering lately. And I truly don't think it's me. I've done a lot of work on letting people live their own lives. Make their own mistakes. And somehow, I'm sadder than they are when their mistakes crop up.
I need stability. I need more time with B and J. And Laura. And Kat. And, well, everyone, I've been making choices that have caused nothing but drama for me, and I really should stop. For the next couple of months, I have to make better choices. I don't have time for fluff. or drama. (See the other problem is my notoriously short temper gets even shorter, picking up an annoyance and slamming it into a wall becomes an even more viable option. *grin*)
(Oh, and B, I know you chafe at the word stable and your name in the same sentence. It's more your attitude I want to be more like )
If onlys.
Perhaps because I DO see the good in people, and believe in it, and I'm damned surprised when it bites me in the ass.
Like Ashton.
Like Cassel
Like Theresa.
I can SEE the potential. And I believe in it. And when it shatters, it sucks.
Been a lot of shattering lately. And I truly don't think it's me. I've done a lot of work on letting people live their own lives. Make their own mistakes. And somehow, I'm sadder than they are when their mistakes crop up.
I need stability. I need more time with B and J. And Laura. And Kat. And, well, everyone, I've been making choices that have caused nothing but drama for me, and I really should stop. For the next couple of months, I have to make better choices. I don't have time for fluff. or drama. (See the other problem is my notoriously short temper gets even shorter, picking up an annoyance and slamming it into a wall becomes an even more viable option. *grin*)
(Oh, and B, I know you chafe at the word stable and your name in the same sentence. It's more your attitude I want to be more like )
